Lessons from your family’s home

The family forms a foundational pillar, providing essential knowledge for life's journey. It's like a library of experiences shaping our individual growth. However, as the saying goes, we don't choose our parents or our family, nor do we choose the 'library' and teachings they impart to us. Family 'libraries' vary, containing distinct systems of thought and behavior. Some families offer rich encyclopedias fostering growth in a nurturing environment of support and unconditional love. Others present a more challenging path to self-discovery and fulfillment, conveying mixed messages that can destabilize personal development.

Slow Erosion of Self

In families where sincere support, guidance, and unconditional love are prevalent, the individual's potential for growth and understanding life's complexities is enhanced. Conversely, when family messages are unclear or manipulative, they can significantly disrupt one's developmental path. Social destabilizations are already abundant in an individual's life, and it's the role of a caring and supportive family to provide stability and serenity against daily pressures. From friendships to professional and romantic relationships, navigating societal constructs is challenging enough. What happens, then, when your foundational support system - your family - imposes its views of life, dictates choices, and teaches half-truths, neglecting your unique individuality? The impact of this identity discord and the resulting dissonance can manifest at every developmental stage. Like a frog in slowly boiling water, family pressures can be all-consuming, but it's never too late to leap out of the pot.

Recognizing Family Pressure

Commonly, it's hard to imagine that a family might intentionally harm us, given that their actions are typically driven by love and benevolence. Comparably, a family is akin to the government of a democratic state - we generally don't suspect harmful intentions. However, we're aware of the numerous pharmaceutical scandals involving high-ranking political figures, causing widespread harm. Yet, suggesting that a democratic government could harm its citizens often leads to accusations of conspiracy theorizing.

Similar dynamics apply to family pressure, where a deep-rooted trust in the family's role makes it difficult to perceive the harm potentially caused by various pressures exerted. Often, these pressures are not to harm, forget uniqueness, or sideline deepest aspirations, but that's unfortunately what happens in many families. They mix what they believe to be right with actions that may lead their children astray.

Distinguishing Good from Bad

To discern the beneficial from the detrimental and the well-meaning from the unjustifiable, consider a simple analogy. When a salesperson becomes aggressive in their pitch, it's a signal to walk away. If a product is genuinely good and right for you, you won't need convincing of its utility. Similarly, in family relationships and the numerous dictates and lessons imparted, when they start combining aggression with inflexible truths, it's likely more about serving their thought system than your well-being. Remember, family authority isn't limited to biological parents but can include influential relatives.

Escape the Pot

Now you can differentiate between a genuinely caring family authority and one that undermines your uniqueness and growth. This latter approach can lead to infantilization and humiliation, where an accomplished adult is constantly viewed through a lens of judgment. This family pressure can result in self-infantilization, a state you must escape from. In some families, this pressure forms an expansive network, often initiated by grandparents or great-grandparents, akin to a sect. Recognizing this is crucial for developing a strong self-identity and life drive.

Reverse Roles

Though daunting, detaching from such pressures is achievable. Begin by altering how you view these authority figures. Stand tall, both metaphorically and physically, as many adults from oppressive families tend to slouch. Meet your family members as an adult, speak from the heart, probe sensitive topics, and distance yourself from feelings of being belittled. Observe them as an adult would observe a child. In time, this will help you find your rightful place, maybe not the one traditionally expected within your family, but certainly the best one among those who truly love and accept you unconditionally, without any pressure.